Forging Trust: Predicting Behavior in an Unpredictable World

Forging Trust: Predicting Behavior in an Unpredictable World

By: Robin Dreeke

We all fear the unknown and the unpredictability of those around us. In a world filled with uncertainty, fears, and challenges, we all seek individuals we can trust, connect with, and provide the psychological safety all humans crave. But most of us assess trustworthiness subjectively, based upon our “gut feeling” and often fail in our evaluations of others. The result is distrust, ruined relationships, and cynicism. Therefore, we need a more objective method for assessing who to trust and actionable techniques to forge the trust, relationships, and connections we need to thrive in every aspect of our lives.

As the retired chief of the FBI Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis Program, a recruiter of Russian spies, and a recognized global behavioral expert I have a deep understanding of human motivations and behaviors. Forging trust, building healthy connections and relationships, and letting go of our inconsistent assessment of others is easily achieved when you apply objective observations of the world and people around us.

Assessing those around us is much simpler than you may think, and you don’t need advanced degrees or years of research. However, it is challenging because of our egos. The first step is recognizing this basic fact; Humans will always act in their own best interests in terms of their safety, security, and prosperity. Most of us guess as to what we think the other person is going to do or more frequently “This is what I would do.” When we let go of our ego and bias, then we truly see the world from the other person’s perspective. We can start understanding the actions of others and even start predicting them when we truly focus with what I call, “nonjudgmental curiosity.” This ability to predict the actions of others is applicable whether you are assessing family, friends, co-workers, leaders of nations, or even countries themselves.

Whether recruiting spies or attempting to have a conversation with your kids, each situation requires a healthy connection based upon trust.  Humans seek to be valued and understood to build that bridge.  Making the other person the focus of our language is the key. With the appropriate phraseology we can “make it all about them” and provide them with the psychological comfort we all seek. Include at least one of these four pillars of communication to ensure that the focus is on the other person and not yourself:

1.    Seek THEIR thoughts and opinions instead of sharing yours.

2.    Speak in terms of THEIR priorities, challenges, and “pain points”, instead of yours.

3.    Validate THEM without judging them with “nonjudgmental curiosity.”

4.    Empower THEM with choices.

Ensuring that the focus is on the other person is the first step and next we need to be able to predict the strength of the relationship to manage our expectations. The following six behavioral signs are a great tool for assessing the strength of the relationship. The purpose of this assessment is to manage our expectations to avoid hurt feelings, frustration, or anger. Take note of as many of these behaviors as you can and assess where you are today. Look for them daily and see which direction you are headed.

1. Vesting: creating symbiotic linkage of mutual success.

- They adjust to you.

- They call in favors for you.

- They share deep secrets.

2. Longevity: believing your bonds will last.

- Ask to participate in long term goals.

- Pay attention to traditions and inclusion.

- They typically say ”we” instead of “I” or “You”.

3. Reliability: Competence and Diligence: demonstrating competence and diligence

- They speak with specifics.

- They accept responsibility.

- They are transparent with shortcomings.

4. Actions: displaying consistent patterns of positive behaviors.

- Repeated patterns of observed behaviors.

- They fulfill requests quickly.

- Their version of events doesn’t change.

- They live up to their obligations.

5. Language: creating connections with masterful communication.

- They seek your thoughts and opinions.

- They speak in terms of your priorities.

- They validate you.

- They give you choices.

6. Stability: transcending conflict with emotional accord.

- They are hard to scare.

- They are impeccably rational.

- They are happy with themselves.

In a world filled with never-ending challenges and uncertainty, letting go of our fear by understanding the behaviors of others and forging healthy relationships is a great solution. It is our fear of the unknown and our ego’s insecurities that can create our own internal chaos. If you try using nonjudgmental curiosity, you can look for these wonderful behaviors in others and then you will begin to enjoy the calm that a more predictable world around us provides. Predictability doesn’t mean that the world becomes any easier or better, but it does mean that we can face the challenges with a calm mind. A calm mind is far healthier, productive, and innovative than one filled with fear and chaos. Give yourself and those around you the greatest gift of understanding. This amazing gift is known as Empathy.